A huge campaign must be launched to press western governments to end this slaughter, which is almost entirely the work of those in control of the country. The European Union warned a month ago that war crimes might have been committed in an assault on the capital last month – in which the EU could be complicit because of its large-scale support for those accused of the crimes. Human Rights Watch has documented how Kenya and Ethiopia had turned this region into Africa’s own version of Guantánamo Bay, replete with kidnappings, extraordinary renditions, secret prisons and large numbers of “disappeared”: a project that carries the Made in America label. Allowing free rein to such comprehensive lawlessness is a stain on all those who might have, at a minimum, curtailed it.
–does your baby look yellow? jaundiced?
–she is a biracial kid so you are going to have to tell me what kind of yellow you are talking about.
–uhh never mind.
so i thought logically that the next entry in this blog would be the birth story. but the birth story is coming slowly and i wanted to say that she arrived a little over a week ago. aza. who right now is upstairs with her papa sleeping in the warm minnesota night. she is red and light brown, brown eyes, dark brown hair. almond eyes.
and the birth story as it comes slowly and complex with anger and delight mixed together with long days and slowfully painful nights.
see, how this comes out slowly. how i cannot describe her entry into this world or her presence in it simply even though i know that her persona is simple and direct. i wonder what stops me slows me down? i think this is one of those instances when i want to say it all and it all cannot be said.
the labor pain has already become a distant memory even thought i promised myself that i would remember the pain vividly.
so aza theresa. that name has become my life in the past week. and i am not sure how i became a mama. when was the moment that i passed from one side of the c-section veil to the other? sometimes i look at her and try to figure out who does she belong to. i may be her caretaker but i am not her owner or creator and it leaves me wondering who left her with me and if they will be back.
oh well. if i could just learn to sleep when she sleeps most of these abstract questions in the middle of the night would probably seem irrelevant.
so today is thursday. my due date was on march 31st. back on early tuesday morn, cal and i were up talking when he saw and i saw the in utero baby moving like crazy. it didnt hurt but there were these bulges coming out of my belly. that afternoon the midwife came by and while checking the fetal heartbeat and fetal positioning discovered that the baby was breech. i sat there for a few minutes stunned as she spoke about getting an appointment with a doctor who does external versions, ie he moves the baby around in the belly by hand.
breech is when the baby’s head is at the top of the uterus. most babies are born with their head at the bottom of the uterus. the head comes out of the mama’s body first. it is alot harder to give birth to a breech baby. (this is the basic info)
after the first thirty minutes after midwife had told me the baby was breech. i felt relatively calm about it. i figured if the baby could turn one way the night before then the baby could turn back. my midwife didnt understand what had happened. was the baby always breech? how could the baby turn in a single night? how could she have not felt the breech before?
but you kinda have to admire a person who does something just to see if she can. you kinda have to admire someone who flips around flexible strong independent with a great sense of humour. this is no clinging vine. and yet someone who knows how to get attention. all of the pressure i felt to give birth. the need for my birth to be convenient to others slipped out of my hands. tue night the objective was not to go into labor. what a relief.
i continued feeling calm all night. i felt like i should be worried but i wasnt. i barely told anyone about the breech. i didnt need their worries, their desire to be concerned, their need to make this into a potential tragedy working on my good mood. it snowed that tuesday night. i was amazed by a kid who could flip and flip a maverick a trickster an entertainer.
that tuesday night i contacted dorothy and asked her to do body talk for me long distance. during the session i felt such a strong sense of the aries child personality. a challenging red. a ram. locked horns. climbing to the top of the tree. making bets to see who could run faster. difficult takes a day impossible takes a week. earthy. soft voice. a dancer a lover of nature methodical stubborn beloved.
i could feel the kid flipping all night. i could see bulges start and stop. i did the head numbing exercises off the futon which made me look like i was going to do my own flips and turns. and i told myself as i looked at my husband and friend that their worries were their issues i had the goods. it was snowing in april. the moon was in libra. sun was in aries. hell this was a night for miracles.
the next day we went to see the doctor. the midwife looked locked into herself. i dont think she likes doctors either. doctor arrived explained the problem with breech babies. i laid down on the plastic bed. felt the skin and muscles of the belly and pelvis and said that he felt the baby’s head down in the pelvis. we went to next room. cold jelly on the belly. visual ultrasound (i have had the audio ones to hear the heart beat) and boom! the head is in the pelvis. the butt is at the top of the belly. the baby is the hanged man.
the midwife looked shocked.
i could tell this morning as i was walking to the bathroom that the baby had turned and settled. it made getting to the doctor’s easier. i felt like it was my lil secret. maybe a secret that i was only 80 percent sure it was true but a secret nevertheless.
this birth is out of my hands. or better said it is a cooperative effort and the baby has a will a strong will. a sometimes in life she will lead. and i will follow. and if she wants to do flips in the belly or in the world. i cant stop her.